I have befriended and dined with the Vice Presidents of Tesla and Huawei. I was mentored for free by one of the best start-up consultants in Silicon Valley. I have taken shots with while partying with celebrities and have traded flirtatious banter with at least one high profile actress. I am currently 24 years old. I made these connections personally.
That being said, I have scared away date after date after friend after social circle simply by making the mistake of coming on too strong. I have exhausted away formerly close friends by being too eager. I have turned off people initially interested in me by talking myself out of their interest. Amongst people my age that do not hold special prestige, I can be an absolute social klutz.
Why? Why is that I do so well with the unapproachable and so poorly with the approachable? Simple.
The reason is because, for me, there are no pressures with the unapproachable. My self-worth is not damaged if the VP of Tesla cold-shoulders me. I’m not butt if a main actress from the show Castle decides that I am not worth her time. Those are expected. As a result, I just talk to those people like normal human beings. Thus, because I do not act star-struck, the vibe I give off allows me to build a genuine rapport with the high-profile person whom is tired of hearing “oh my god, take my resume please!” or “I am your biggest fan ever!”.
However, with people my age, I care. Even though I did not admit it for the longest time, I care about fitting in. I care about the approval of my peers because those relationships are more realistic and, for that reason, the failure to connect does damage my sense of self-worth.
The fact that I have been accepted by high profile-individuals makes matters even worse because it makes me entitled when interacting with people of similar age and social standing. It makes me believe that I can get away with coming on too strong. It makes me believe that my eagerness is generosity.
A wise older man once told me, “If you even have to ask yourself whether you are too eager, then you are too eager.”
Ultimately, you need to invite people to come to you. Make your presence known, give people value, but finally give them the space to choose you.
When you come off too strong, you devalue yourself and you deny people space. For most people, those factors trigger one type of response: run.
If you have to force any relationship, then it is utter crap. You will be tolerated at best. You will never feel satisfied from a relationship where you have to fight the feeling that you are some expendable commodity.
If you ever feel the need to fit in or the need for someone else’s approval, then forget it! Walk away. You are not ready for that companionship. Go home and love yourself first.
Find your inner peace and if you still feel the need for company you don’t have, then go out work on yourself. Find some hobbies that offer you growth on an intrinsic level. You attract who you are on the inside.
If you want to upgrade your squad, you first have to upgrade yourself. Ultimately, those Vice Presidents and consultants I befriended had to first see substance in me to decide that I was worth their time to sit down with.
Ultimately, you deserve people that are going to be just as crazy about you as you are about them. Thus, there is never a need to smother anybody else’s interest in you by coming on too strong.